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Re Porter - Bad maid of honor speech
bethany porter

I think I gave one of the worst maid of honor speeches ever a year ago at my sister’s wedding. My sister and brother-in-law’s first anniversary was last Sunday and I have been reflecting on my horrible speech.

First of all, I was told there would be no speech. Before I was told that, I had written a nice, funny, and touching speech. Nobody heard that version though because after I was told there would not be any speeches I deleted it. I only remembered tiny pieces of it that really didn’t make sense without the rest of it. 

The wedding day comes and I am sitting at a table with my family eating when a man with a microphone comes out asking for the best man and maid of honor to come give speeches. My heart dropped. I was not prepared at all, but I didn’t want them to feel unloved or whatever if I or the best man didn’t go and talk. 

I drag the best man up there with me because he was also told there was not going to be speeches and did not want to go. We get up there and the man with the mic hands it to me and I quickly give it to the best man. The best man then says, “Ladies first,” and gives it back to me. I say, “John would like to go first,” and give it right back to him. Well, I definitely should have gone first because his on-the-spot speech was incredible. It was thoughtful and touching and a hard act to follow. 

I am not a great public speaker. My brain was trying to recall bits from the wonderful speech I deleted and I was having no luck. When it was my turn I told the large crowd that I really should have gone first. I am a joking and sarcastic person most of the time, so I was trying to incorporate jokes in my speech and it just didn’t work. 

In the deleted speech, I wrote about how she used to have all these different jobs and then finally she ended up at Lowe's where she met my brother-in-law. I included how he never left me out and always made me feel welcome whenever they were hanging out at our house. I had written a joke about how I miss stealing her clothes, but I couldn’t remember it. 

The speech I gave accidentally turned into a roast. At one point I said I was glad he stuck around and the entire room went “Ohhhh!” Yikes. That was not intended as an insult. The rest of that speech was a blur to be honest. All I know is that I mentioned something about stealing clothes and that I am glad he stuck around. Oh, I also said I like him more than my sister most of the time. More shocked noises came from the crowd after that remark too. I shamefully walked back to my table following that disaster. 

I am so thankful no one recorded it because I think I would never speak again if I actually watched it. It was definitely memorable and I am still sorry for it. Happy Anniversary. 

Standard reporter Bethany Porter can be reached at 473-2191.