Medical information and health advice you can trust are not included in this column. An apple a day will keep the doctor away, if you aim well.
Friends and family will turn into practicing physicians and offer medical advice for a variety of reasons. I’m unsure how best to handle unsolicited, untrained medical guidance. Listen politely, consider briefly, and dismiss entirely? Well, not all. Most.
My recent bought with extreme anemia (do not get confused with enema, not a friend) came with its fair share of advice. I want to relay my top pick. Shoot from the hip or maybe … pelvis, a second cousin to Elvis.
This was sent to me via email from a subscriber after he read my column.
Girl you just need my “Eric’s Magic Cougar Elixir” supplement as seen on TV (Ben Lomand TV) of course.
• 1/2 mason jar of moonshine (made from real Warren County Non-GMO corn)!!
• 1 shot prune juice
• 3 shots Geritol
• 1 pinch of catnip
Oh!! My “All New Pro 2 for 22” formula is almost ready. It includes 2 punches of gun powder (for extra vitality) and 1 tablespoon of coconut oil for an extra shinny coat!!
Seriously this stuff cures everything from gout to broken hearts to acne!! You can’t beat it!! Oh, it makes a great stocking stuffer!!
Oh!!! Just mix in 3 teaspoons of Water Mellon flavor Mad Dog 20/20 and it will curl your hair and even make your eyes a little glassy! With this stuff you can be everywhere!!!
That email struck an ulnar nerve, my funny bone. I couldn’t stop laughing. I shared it with everyone in the room, including my boss to see if I could share it in a column. Permission was granted, but with a contingency that I look into a catscan. I’m confused. Is that the search for a cat?
Coming in second place and being edged out only by the feel-good neurotransmitters (laughing releases endorphins, but not nitrates, which are cheaper than day rates) was a suggestion to drink 2-3 ounces of red wine at night. My pathology, a reasonable path to take, says let’s not dismiss this suggestion too quickly.
All joking aside, I’m feeling much better on the iron pills the doctor gave me. I’m almost back to normal, or maybe Abby Normal (Young Frankenstein, 1974). To celebrate my newfound good health, I’ve decided to train for a hike to Virgin Falls on my birthday. This trip is will take place sometime in April, so I have four months to enjoy life as we know it. The end will likely be the nine miles in and out, so 4.5 miles one way to the falls. Laughing emoji. Shocked emoji. Red-faced emoji.
The only downside to my three-week illness is I’ve used up all my sick days. When I need another a day off, can I call in well?
Standard reporter Lisa Hobbs can be reached at 473-2191.