Since this column is supposed to be loosely based around sports, let me try this approach.
Consider the Bonnaroo Music Festival a game. There are winners and losers all day long in everything you do there. Buy a lemonade not nearly full? You lost. Sometimes you catch the elevator, sometimes you get the shaft. That’s especially true at Bonnaroo, an all-day test of your power to handle something weird.
There are things you see at Bonnaroo you don’t see anywhere else. And, in a way, you’re glad you don’t see them anywhere else.
It’s with this in mind, I’ve developed a Bonnaroo scoring system. Using this simple system, the festival can be scored much like a gymnastics or diving event. A judge determines what score to award after experiencing the atmosphere. I’m that judge.
EVENT: Seeing a Bonnaroo band
You get close to the stage, plus 25 points
You get close to the stage, but the guy in front of you keeps holding up a laminated picture of his own head, plus 2 points
The guy in front of you turns and vomits on your shoe, minus 40 points
EVENT: Eating Bonnaroo food
The guy preparing your meal has washed his hands in the past two days, plus 18 points
You’ve washed your hands in the past two days, plus 18 points
You’re forced to eat in a sweaty scrum of smelly armpits, minus 35 points
EVENT: Using the Bonnaroo bathroom
Rejoice! After three days you find a relatively clean port-o-potty, plus 98 points
You can tell a few people have missed the hole and drizzled on the seat, minus 17 points
You’re not sure what that is dripping from the ceiling. OMG, yes it is that, minus 52 points
EVENT: Watching Bonnaroo people
You see a guy walking thru the crowd carrying a goat skull while drinking its blood, plus 34 points
You see a guy vomit on his own shoe, plus 15 points
You see a guy vomit on your wife, minus 83 points
Well that sums up this year’s Bonnaroo scoreboard review. I hope it provides a way for you to evaluate the festival and determine your overall score.
Add up your points to see if you finished in plus or negative territory. Remember, Bonnaroo is a contact sport and an endurance battle. It’s not possible to always win.
My cutting analysis of Bonnaroo 2015: It was as good a time as ever with that majestic Bonnaroo vibe, but it didn’t have the backing of a musical lineup with memory-making shows.
What will Bonnaroo 2016 have in store? I can’t wait to see. Game on.