I thought I knew just about everything there was to know about using the bathroom.
Apparently not.
There are battles raging all across our great nation about which bathroom a man should use, and which bathroom a woman should use, and which bathroom a woman who believes she's a man should use.
All of this is very confusing. It's even drawn a response from that old, bearded guy from "Duck Dynasty," who is always the person I turn to when formulating an important opinion.
Said TV personality Phil Robertson, "Just because a man may feel like a woman doesn't mean he should be able to share a bathroom with my daughter or yours. That used to be called common sense. Now it's called bigoted."
Since I'm sure everyone is anxious to know exactly my thoughts on public restrooms, I will end the suspense and tell you right now. My personal stance on public restrooms is to avoid them at all costs. If I think I can hold it till I make it home, I will.
If there's nothing I can do and I'm forced to use a public restroom, my mode of operation is simple. Touch as little as possible. See as little as possible. Hold my breath as long as possible. Get out as fast as possible.
This formula is multiplied by 10 if using a port-o-potty.
As improbable as it may have seemed a few years ago, this transgender bathroom debate has become an issue which is difficult to flush. Angry residents have been mounting boycotts against businesses like Target which picked the so-called "wrong" stall in this issue. Rock star Bruce Springsteen canceled a concert in North Carolina because he doesn't like the stance lawmakers in that state have taken regarding the little boys room.
If it's bathrooms today, I'm wondering how far this transgender thing will snowball in the next five years. If Warren County is anxious to add to its list of state championships, perhaps we can find a few athletic guys who, deep in their hearts, identify as girls and therefore should get to play on the Lady Pioneer basketball team.
The way the logic seems to be spiraling, we'd all be powerless to stop this for fear of being labeled narrow minded and not inclusive. Tennessee would be boycotted by major employers and entertainers for attempting to stop guys from playing girls sports.
All this is a gradual merging of men and women into one sex. Some folks are even saying the two sexes should be so equal women should be sent to the front lines of battle. I'm guessing it will only be a matter of time before surgeons discover a way for men to have babies.
As for this whole public restroom uproar, there's one side of me that says this is an issue which must be addressed with compassion. Then there's another side that says what in the world is happening to our country?
Standard editor James Clark can be reached at 473-2191.