Representatives of my daughter Heather-Ashleigh will be in the office today selling Girl Scout cookies. Of course, no one should feel any pressure to buy from her just because she's the boss' daughter. I know there's a rumor going around that Roberts was fired last year for not placing an order, but that's not true. He was fired for wearing a suit on casual Friday.
When one of Heather-Ashleigh's designated vice presidents knocks on your cubicle, just pretend it's one of the kids in your neighborhood. After you fill out the order forms, Jeanine from my office will collect them, because Heather-Ashleigh has ADD.
Trust me, no one's keeping track of how many boxes you buy, especially Heather-Ashleigh. I didn't find out until months later that none of you had recieved your cookies last year. Someone should have told me. It wasn't until Roberts mentioned it and by then, it was too late to do anything about it. I asked Heather-Ashleigh what happened and she said, "Whatever. It's just some cookies. What's the big deal?" And then she stomped out of the room.
And that's why selling Girl Scout cookies is such a wonderful thing. It's teaching young women like Heather-Ashleigh important life lessons: how to present yourself, how to communicate, how to get along in the real world. All things Heather-Ashleigh knows nothing about and needs to learn.
And I'm sure she will learn them when she comes back from Paris, where she's getting a second fitting of her Girl Scout uniform and doing a little shopping for Spring Break. So it won't be possible for her to see any of you in person, but she'll know how much you care by how many boxes of cookies you buy -- not that anyone's counting. I was going to make Johnson a vice president even before I found out he ordered 500 boxes. As most of you know, he's out of the office this week getting his stomach stapled.
For the sake of convenience, Heather-Ashleigh is not taking any orders of less than six boxes apiece this year. So let's keep it simple, people. Some of you should just order six boxes of Thin Mints, others order six boxes of Samoas, and others get six boxes of Do-Si-Dos. Then you can trade among yourselves.
Shortly before that ugly "casual Friday incident," Roberts said the strangest thing to me. "Wouldn't it be easier if the Girl Scouts just asked me for $10 outright, instead of trying to get me to buy $20 worth of cookies I don't need and don't want?" he asked. "The cookies are full of hydrogenated oil and sugar, and no one should be eating that. Why don't we just donate some money to the Girl Scouts and forget the cookies?"
The poor, deluded crank. I hope he never has children.
I won't waste your time sending Heather-Ashleigh around to say "thank you," because after all, time is money. So I'll say "thank you" for her. But you should thank yourselves, too. Someday, when Heather-Ashleigh is running this company, you can all look at one another and know you helped teach her all the important lessons she needed to get ahead in business.
Contact Jim Mullen at JimMullenBooks.com.