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Family Man 12-14
Christmas humor always in season
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With Christmas in the air, I’ve come up with an idea that will either make you break out in laughter or just ruin your day. I’m about to assault your senses with the worst Christmas jokes of all time.
Let’s start with some one-liners. Feel free to alienate your family and friends with these. Some of these will “sleigh” you.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad.
What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
How can you tell when Santa is close by? You can sense his presents.
What do you call a lobster who won’t share his Christmas presents? Shellfish.
Why was Santa’s little helper so depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What did Santa tell the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you call a naughty child who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backward.
What do you call a singing elf? A wrapper.
Now let’s increase the difficulty with some situational humor to stretch my comedic range.
I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. Don’t worry, it isn’t her main present, it’s just a stocking stuffer.
I bought my youngest son a refrigerator for Christmas. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I was so poor as a child, we exchanged glances at Christmas.
Mary and Joseph, now they had a stable relationship. Oh, what did Joseph say to Mary when she told him to put the garbage out? “I would, but there’s no room in the bin.”
Joseph’s eyes widen as a trio of firemen rush into the stable smelling of smoke. “What’s going on? We didn’t call the fire department.”
The first man smiles at Joseph and hands him some frankincense. “Don’t worry. We’re the wise men. We just came from a-far.”
A friend of mine remarked recently, “We just had grandma for Christmas dinner.” I looked oddly at him and responded, “Interesting. All we had was turkey.”
A man goes to his dentist and the dentist scowls after looking in his mouth. “I don’t like the look of the plates on our teeth,” he declares.
“What’s wrong with my plates?” the man nervously asks.
“Well, they seem to be breaking down,” the dentist replies. “From my examination I can tell you have been eating a lot of hollandaise sauce.”
“Yes I have been,” the man admits. “What do you recommend?”
“I think you should go with chrome plates,” the dentist thoughtful reveals.
“Chrome?” the patient wonders aloud. “Why chrome?”
“Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise,” the dentist sings.
Yeah, I know. Keep my day job.
Standard reporter Duane Sherrill can be reached at 473-2191.