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A new kind of white Christmas
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There are many seasons that come and go during the year. For example, from Memorial Day to Labor Day is generally regarded as swim season.
From Thanksgiving to New Year's Day is generally observed as the holiday season.
The month of October, while not noted on most calendars, is generally considered yard-rolling season. It's the time of year for mischief and pranks and everyone can unlock their devilish side for several weeks. It's a memorable time, highlighted by horror movies on TV and capped by Halloween on Oct. 31.
Yet some misfits seem to have lost their wherewithal, like a scene from the Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day." They keep living October again and again, determined to make yard-rolling season a year-long event. And, in fulfilling this quest, they are using my front yard as their practice facility
Let me tell you, nothing could be more fun (insert sarcastic voice here) than returning from Christmas shopping to find your yard rolled. Few things usher in Christmas cheer and the spirit of togetherness like toilet paper dangling from your trees.
Forget chestnuts roasting on an open fire. My Christmas cards should include a picture of toilet paper hanging from an open gutter.
This is not to suggest any of this constant and never-ending yard rolling is an aggravation. Far from it. I'm sure 4 out of 5 dentists will agree filling an entire city trash can with toilet paper from your trees and shrubs is rollicking fun.
My only contention is all this unabated joy should be confined to the appropriate season. Just like you wouldn't go trick-on-treating on the Fourth of July, there's no reason to roll my innocent yard in the midst of the holidays. Just like you wouldn't go for a dip at Gilley Pool in February, it's time to step away from the toilet paper and focus on more humanitarian things.
The holidays are a time for stuffing stockings and making gingerbread men. It's a time to line the street and watch as the Christmas parade makes its way through McMinnville this Saturday.
Help an old lady across the street. Rescue a kitten from a tree. Buy a toy for a needy child. Have your pet spayed or neutered.
Read a book to a kindergarten student. Clean trash from a river. Drop some change in one of those red buckets. Jump start a stranger's car.
There are so many positive, constructive things to do during this time of year, I'm truly honored and humbled that rolling my yard is one of them. Besides, the toilet paper I can't reach that's high in the trees accentuates my Christmas wreaths and colorful lights.
In the name of consistency, I think I might go home and roll the Christmas tree in my living room. That would add uniformity to my interior and exterior decor.
If nothing else, perhaps these yard rollers could switch to paper that's red and green. Otherwise, I don't think this is the type of white Christmas that Bing Crosby longed for in song.
Standard editor James Clark can be reached at 473-2191.