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Screaming for white Christmas
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"Snow! There is a slight chance of snow tomorrow!"
There is panic on the weatherman's face. It's as if he were announcing that car-sized balls of flaming magnesium mixed with nuclear waste were going to be falling out of the sky tomorrow.
Snow! All plant and animal life will cease to exist. "Dancing With the Stars" may be postponed. And traffic will be a nightmare! Oh, the humanity!
The weatherman is shaking. He forgot to kiss his wife and kids goodbye this morning and now this -- two inches of snow expected! Will they ever see each other again?
"Snow!" he says with real concern. "One to two inches expected! More in higher elevations! Some drifting may occur! Run for your lives! Count your children! Fill a tub with fresh water! Run to a nearby grocery store and buy every single thing you can. Don't take a chance of starving to death.
"What could possibly be more dangerous to civilization as we know it than snow? A giant asteroid slamming into the Earth at 17,000 mph? Kim Kardashian releasing a new video? A Taylor Swift frown? Stay tuned.
"But first, this developing weather story: Dr. Max Pushface, spokesman for the National Avalanche Center, assures us that avalanches rarely happen in flat parts of the country like ours, but that doesn't mean we're in the clear. There's always a first time. So there you have it, from someone who knows: We will probably all be mangled to death by rushing snow.
"One tragic death has already been attributed to the coming snowstorm. Maude Fitzwilly, 120 years old, was found dead in her living room on Elm Street earlier today, sitting in front of a TV. Emergency service workers at the scene said Snow Panic Syndrome may have contributed to her untimely demise. Bob and Michelle will be discussing Snow Panic Syndrome, or SPS as it is known, with Dr. Carter Cuffman later in the hour.
"As you can see, snow is more dangerous than the Taliban and ISIS combined, and it's coming our way. Don't leave your TV. We'll bring you all the latest as it comes in.
"Later tonight, right after 'When Cousins Marry,' I'll be talking to Dr. Aaron Latchkey, who says there are things called 'coats' and 'hats' that can actually be worn outside during a snowstorm. With all we know about snow nowadays, that's hard to believe, but he says people used to go out in the snow, play in it and enjoy it. But that was back before modern newscasting.
"Stay tuned to our nonstop coverage of 'The Killer Storm of the Millennium' and you may be one of the lucky few to make it out alive."
Contact Jim Mullen at JimMullenBooks.com.