I've never been a fan of going to the doctor when I feel just fine. But my health insurance company wants me to endure one of these "well visits" once a year, I guess so there's a documented history of my decline.

This year my casual well visit took an unfortunate turn. That's because I very quietly turned 50 a few months ago. I know you're probably thinking a guy who's in tremendous physical conditioning like me could never be 50, but shhhh, it's true.

During my well visit last year, I was told something along the lines of "You're just 49 and still young." Well, what a difference one year makes.

All those tests I've long heard about when I was just a lad are now tests a man of my age is recommended to take. These tests are needed, my doctor says, because my prostate, my colon, my heart and other things aren't as young as they used to be.

I may appear gruff and rugged, but I have to be honest here. I don't like the thought of this colonoscopy thing. I'm not a fan of much of anything getting shoved up my rump, much less a camera.

A colonoscopy sounds more like something that would be done during a frat house initiation than for medical purposes. I am not alone in this thinking. Since few people embrace this test, there is an alternative.

As it was explained to me, there's a company which will send me a container in the mail. My job, and I'm not making this up, is to do my business in this container and send it back for the company to analyze.

This sounds more like something I'd be encouraged to do on a Saturday night to play a joke on Billy down the street.

After consulting with my doctor and determining this is the way I should go, the test kit arrived at my house two days ago. By the urgency of it all, I guess this is something I really need to do.

Cupcake has already let it be known she's not helping me with this endeavor. Whatever happened to for better or for worse? She wants no part in collecting this sample.

The company is also very particular. According to detailed instructions that were attached, I am only to provide a very small sample for analysis. 

I AM NOT TO OVERFILL THE CONTAINER!

What this means is somebody really has overfilled the container.

I plan to fully comply with the instructions because I can only imagine what an awful job it is to be on the other side of that package. How could you ever find someone to take that job?

Since I want to do what's best for my health, I'm planning to gather my sample this weekend. It may not improve my quality of life, but it will provide me a topic of conversation.

Standard editor James Clark can be reached at 473-2191.