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Re Porter - Dear Santa
bethany porter

Over the past few weeks, I have been typing in all the Santa letters that have been sent or dropped off at the Standard. While it takes forever, it has been a lot of fun reading them. In honor of those, I decided to write my own. 

Dear Santa, 

This year I have been really good. Well, pretty good. OK, I’ve been alright. Hopefully you haven’t read my multiple columns complaining about people at the movies, people in general or read the ones about the drivers downtown. I especially hope you don’t know what is said in the privacy of my car when I encounter those drivers.  

This year for Christmas, I would like to get out of bed without a new part of my body hurting. I am literally 23, so this shouldn’t be an issue. I would also love for County Commissioners, elected officials, department heads, etc., to stop asking me to not put things in the paper during public county meetings. That would really make my year. 

Also, if it is not too much trouble, I would love when I reach out to someone for information that they will always get back to me in a timely manner. I would also appreciate the ability to communicate on the phone without sounding like I have never had a conversation in my life. That would be super helpful. 

Santa, I would also love the ability to spell everyone’s name right on the first try. Some of these names I have to write get confusing and I would love to never mess that up again. This year I would also like every meeting I have to cover to last 30 minutes or less and be full of useful information, opposed to the occasional two hour meetings full of things no one cares about.

For Christmas I would love to never again be called “sweetheart,” “baby,” “honey” etc., by a grown man who does not know me. It is weird and you’d think people would know better by now, but clearly some don’t. 

Another thing I would love is for people to never call me Brittany again. My name is clearly Bethany, which is a completely different name. These names are shockingly not interchangeable and I would love to always be referred to as my actual name, BETHANY. This one is a big ask, so I get it if you don’t get me that this year. I’ve only been dealing with it for 23 years I suppose I can soldier on. 

I also would like a sense of direction. If I can’t put it in my GPS, I won’t get there so that would help out a lot. I would also like to go see a movie without literally getting so angry with the people around me that I start seeing red. Actually, for Christmas I would like you to give everybody a lesson on movie theater etiquette, heck maybe just etiquette in general. That would be fantastic and save me a lot of stress. 

Santa, I understand I asked for a lot, but hopefully you can make it happen. I’m counting on you.

Standard reporter Bethany Porter can be reached at (931) 473-2191.