There are things best left to the youngsters among us, including exercise. My buns … well, they’re feeling nothing like steel.
“With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone,” said Oscar Wilde.
How wise you were, Oscar. How wise you were. Growing older is no guarantee of growing wiser. They also say with age comes maturity, kindness, confidence and ease. Those might not be true either.
I’m middle aged, a thought followed quickly by “you’re middle aged, if you plan on living to 104.” Thank you, Ms. Negative. She replies, “Just keep taking those Centrum silver vitamins, girl!”
I’m sure there are things we should never do again after 50. Among the items AARP suggests we avoid are Parkour, Jell-O shots, karaoke after Jell-O shots, trying to break a plank with your head, and crowd surfing.
Parkour - “According to Webster’s, the sport involves traversing environmental obstacles by running, climbing or leaping rapidly and efficiently. Still game? Then consider this. You may have to swing, vault, roll and walk on your hands and feet. You can watch this on YouTube without hurting yourself.”
Jell-O shots - “Face it. By your age you should know better than to subject yourself to the extreme embarrassment and brain cell loss of getting so drunk that you fall down. Don’t irritate today’s twentysomethings. They’ll probably grow out of it.”
Karaoke after Jell-O shots - “So, you tried the Jell-O shots? Then you’re probably more anxious to try karaoke than you would have been while sober. Go for it. Friends will drive you home. If your children witness it, they may not want to speak with you for a while – possibly an advantage depending on your perspective.”
Trying to break a plank with your head - “Your grandchildren may have advanced far enough in martial arts – typically karate or tae kwon do – to pull this one off. But unless you’re sporting a black belt, you can avoid a concussion or worse by sticking to yoga.”
Crowd surfing - “Here’s how to do this. Go to a rock concert and wear soft shoes and no jewelry, zippers or studs (which can get caught in people’s hair). Give your wallet and phone to someone you trust, and climb up on the stage. Make sure the people you’re going to jump on have their hands raised to catch you. Dive. Try to stay on your back with your head up as you’re passed around — and keep flailing to a minimum. I don’t have to make the case against this one, right?”
Exercise did not make the list of things not to do after 50. Instead, it’s highly recommended that we exercise. However, some routines are best eased into slowly. No pain, no gain – a phrase for youngsters. I may never set off a metal detector. If it happens, I hope the detector lights up like a Christmas tree.
Standard reporter Lisa Hobbs can be reached at 473-2191.