First thing last Wednesday, I got a text from my old colleague Charlie Johnson who worked with me many years here at the Southern Standard. He left the paper a few years ago to seek his fortune in county government. However, despite his enormous riches generated in government service, he still remembered my phone number and was quick to point out my column last week where I simply told Christmas jokes.
The thing about Charlie is he has a way of telling the absolute worst jokes ever. His puns are things of legend down here. So, when he saw my column last week, he immediately thought of the place where he first practiced his horrific humor.
“Everyone down here asked if I’d seen the paper,” Charlie said when he began texting way before my rise and shine time on my day off.
His reference meant they too at his new workplace know him as a master of the bad pun. And yes, I have to admit, Charlie was my inspiration last week with the corny Christmas jokes, so much so I’m going to do part two of holiday one-liners. Like I said last week, it’s better than doing a top 10 list of best carols or a 12 days of Christmas hodge-podge. You can tell these during the candlelight service at your church this Christmas since they are family friendly. So, let’s get started. Christmas is coming soon.
What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve? Sandy Claws.
Remember kids, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg your parents for a baby brother.
Two snowmen are in a field. One turns to the other and says “I don’t know about you, but I smell carrots.”
This one might get me fired – Why is Christmas just like a day at the office for an elf? Because you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
We have three stages as men – first we believe in Santa Claus, then we don’t believe in Santa Claus, and finally, we become Santa Claus.
Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey – he’s always stuffed.
How do we know Santa is a man? Because a woman wouldn’t wear the same thing every year.
Henry comes up to his mother and asks, “Can we please have a cat for Christmas?” She scowls at him and responds, “You’ll have turkey just like the rest of us.”
Christmas is a weird time of year. What other day do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room, eating candy and snacks out of your socks.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas? Merry Christmas, Eve.
The best present I ever got for Christmas was a broken drum – you can’t beat it.
What if Santa ran out of money? Would we call him St. Nickel-less?
Have a Merry Christmas despite my jokes. As my present to our readers, I will refrain from any more telling of holiday humor.
Standard reporter Duane Sherrill can be reached at 473-2191.